Evil Hill (A parody by yours truly)
by OutlawZero2002
Summary: When Harry loses a sausage (not that kind of sausage) and meets the cast of Resident Evil...chaos ensues! Includes a British Nemesis and cheap wisecraks, guaranteed. Please read and review.
1. The insanity begins

Evil Hill (A parody by yours truly)  
  
Written by the devoted gamers and staff of www.evil-online.com  
  
Produced in honor of them by OutlawZero2002  
  
Dear Writers and Fellow Gamers,  
Before I begin, I would like to point out that I am looking for the original authors of this great fanfiction. If anyone has heard of www.evil-online.com, I would like him/her to respond immediately because I want to find and meet those great people who came up with this masterpiece. This is a great story by any measure, and I do expect people to respond to it. Now let us begin with the first chapter of this magnificent fanfic...  
  
P.S.-For a great parody fanfic, also read "Scary Video Game".  
  
Evil Hill (A parody by yours truly)  
Chapter I, Part I   
  
Harry shook his head and sleepily stumbled out the car. The last images in his head were a mish-mash of conflicting scenes...but he could clearly remember something about a thirteen inch kilbasa...  
He drunkenly closed the door of his smashed automobile, taking in his surroundings, in particular the thick fog permeating everything. His eyes slowly came into focus and he could see something in distance. The man in the yellow west looked at Harry with fear filled eyes.  
"He's coming to get us...he's after STARS members."  
Harry stared blankly and looked at the man.   
"Have you...seen...a...kilbasa? It's a...sausage...reddish...about thirteen inches long..."  
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" The man screamed, running off into the mist before Harry could question him further.  
Harry shrugged and walked off in search of a restaurant; he really needed to talk to a man about a horse. Building after building greeted him with doors that were painted on and knobs that didn't work. After blindly wandering the mist-enshrouded streets for twenty minutes, Mr. Mason found a gate that finally opened.  
"An...alley...well...any...port...in...a storm," Harry muttered to no one in particular.  
As he moved through the alley, Harry had a disturbing notion that someone was watching him, as if from above. He kept moving to avoid the invisible voyeur even as the sky darkened.  
At last he found a quiet corner and began relieving himself.  
"STARS"  
Harry whipped around and looked for the source of the noise. The creature looked at it's now wet feet and then at Harry with pure hatred streaming from it's good eye.  
"I say, chap, that's just right off. Here," It chimed, "Would you life your chin so?"  
The creature titled Harry's chin upward with two fingers; it's other hand balled into a fist.  
"Have you...seen...a...kilbasa? It's a...sausage...reddish...ab -"  
Harry's world went black.  
****  
Claire stared at the unconscious man on the diner bench. He looked to be in his thirties with a "sticky" note attached to the cotch of his jeans. Claire gingerly picked it up and looked over it.  
"If you ever do that again, I'll rip it off," she read. She looked down and realized the man was awake.  
"AH! OOOH! OH NOOOO! eh, Hey there," she started, "Do you know how you go here?"  
"Uhh...my...head"  
"Yeah, it looks like someone AH! OOOH! OH NOOOO! got you good. My name's Claire, I'm looking for my brother Chris. What's your name?"  
"Harry...Harry...Mason...have you seen a kilbasa? It's a...sausage...reddish...about thirteen inches long."  
"Uhm," Claire stuttered, trying to suppress a laugh, "No. Are you the only other survivor AH OH NO! NO! in this place?"  
As if almost in answer, the door pulled open and a blonde female officer walked in. She crossed her arms and smiled.  
"Okay, which one of you pulled the 311" she asked.  
"Public indecency?" Claire asked.  
"Yeah, we've got a very pissed Neme-" the policewoman's eyes glazed over, "...waitaminute...ehh, I...woke...up and everything...was like this."  
The door opened yet again and another officer walked in, this one looking like Leonardo DiCaprio.  
"Claire you made it!" he exclaimed.  
"SHERRY! SHERRY! Who are you?" Claire replied.  
"Have you...seen a...kilbasa..." Harry started.  
------------------  
That's 10% of Chapter I done. I will produce a new chapter every 2 days, I promise. Hopefully, you liked this, 'cause it's gonna get better...much...better. Well, I'm signing off for now but I'll be back soon enough to read your reviews. See ya. 


	2. Here we go again...

Evil Hill (A parody by yours truly)  
  
Written by the devoted gamers and staff of www.evil-online.com  
  
Produced in honor of them by OutlawZero2002  
  
Chapter I, Part I   
  
"HOLD IT HOLD IT HOOOOOLD IT!" The policewoman screamed. Everyone turned and looked at her.   
"Why aren't you AH! OH! talking like a slug?" Claire asked.   
"Um sorry I don't know what came over me," the cop replied, "I'm Cybil Bennet, I'm a cop..."   
"..well, duh!" the mate cop snorted, "I'm Leon Kennedy, I'm with the RPD. Look Cybil, I think you need to be a good little submissive woman and let me handle all the dirty work."   
"PIG!" Claire exclanued, kicking Leon in the groin. Leon fell over, groaning in pain.   
"Have you seen--"   
"SHUT UP!" Cybil screamed "err.......... uhm..no, I haven't." Claire looked over at Cybil and sniiled.   
"..Hey, I got a missing person case I need help with. Can you help me find my brother?"   
"...sure, I'd love to," Cybil responded.   
"Claire, are you nuts?" Leon exclaimed, still gripping his crotch, "There's all sorts of monsters out there that thing that got Harry"   
"I'm right here..." Harry replied, his idiotic grin still plastered to his face.   
"Not YOU the other Harry!" Leon snapped; Cybil quietly walked up to Leon and handed him the script. Leon pulled out a cigarette.   
"WHO THE F**K CHANGED THE SCRIPT!??" he screamed. He took a drag off his smoke, then looked at the director. "Can we do that again?"   
The director rolled his eyes and cued the camera.   
--------------  
...... Leon started, "including that thing the that got Ben. Now why don't you and Cybil be good submissive little women and let me and our mongoloid buddy here go out there and kick some zombie ass?"   
Cybil savagely beat Leon with her nightstick in reply. The two women beat Leon to the point of unconsciousness and left the cafe, leaving Harry alone with his thoughts and the pummeled Mr. Kennedy.   
"But ... what ... about ... my ... kilbasa?" Harry whined. When his brain finally registered that the two women were gone, he shrugged and walked out of the cafe and into the unknown.  
------------------  
Chapter I is now 55% done and so I'll move on Chapter II soon enough. I didn't know I could type this fast. I'm also kind of busy with writing the script for the next installment in the Metal Gear series, but I will have PART II (not Chapter II) done before the 18th. 


	3. Sir, may I eat your brains?

Evil Hill (A parody by yours truly)  
  
Written by the devoted gamers and staff of www.evil-online.com  
  
Produced in honor of them by OutlawZero2002  
  
Chapter III, Part I  
  
----------------   
Harry thought he should go back to the alleyway where that big and ugly had cold cocked him. He ran around the comer, half expecting to be flattened again, saw nothing, and proceeded.   
He proceeded until he ran into a dead end, and looked around for clues. He spotted a piece of the brown paper bag that used to contain his Kilbasa, and bent down to examine it. The sound of scuffling feet behind him, alerted him to the presence of company.   
He turned around, and came face to face with a zombie.   
"Pardon me sir" it spoke "But would you mind if I ate your brains?" "Yes I would mind" Harry replied "I kinda need them." "Damn, I'm no good at this" the zombie sulked.   
"Let me ask you something. Have you seen a kilbasa? Ifs a sausage .... 13 inches long .... kinda reddish. Seen it?" "Sorry." it replied.   
"What's wrong?" Harry inquired "You seem sorta down." "Well, I don't want to bore you with my problems."   
"You're not boring me. It's actually kind of nice to see a zombie that's not trying to eat me or something."   
"Well, you see, I been a zombie for 5 days, and everytime I ask someone if I can eat them, they always say no. This really sucks. I'm itchy, I'm hungry, and no one wants to be my friend." "I'll be your friend" He replied. "So ..... can I eat your brains?" "No.'   
"Why not" he whined.   
"I told you already. I need them." "Not even a tiny nibble?"   
"No. Now go away. I have to find my Kilbasa"   
Harry stood there in his famous "I'm bored so I'm humping my pants" stance as he puzzled over the brown paper bag.   
"It had to have contained ... my kilbasa," he thought aloud; slowly but surely the vast amounts of alcohol in his system was wearing off.   
Harry inspected the bag for another five minutes as the zombie looked on with big bleary eyes. "Just a bite?" it asked.   
"No ... Harry no talk, thinking about kilbasa ... ummm, polish sausage." Harry began salivating. Suddenly, everything made sense to Harry; there was a name on the side of the bag. "Chris' Butcher Shop ... that creep ... I bet ... he stole my ... kilbasa."   
"Way to go sir! " the zombie exclaimed, "Can I eat your brains now?" As with all Silent Hill characters, Harry too had a snap limit. "WILL YOU SHUT THE F**K UP??!"   
Harry wrenched a drainage pipe off the alleyway wall with inhuman strength, sending little pieces of shattered brick flying all about. The zombie cringed in terror. "STARS" Harry's eyes grew red.   
"But ... I'm not a star," the undead sniveled, "I'm just a lonely zombie ... please don't hurt me."   
"STARS." Harry raised the pipe and the zombie brought its arms up in a pathetic gesture of self-defense.   
"STARS"   
***SUDDENLY****   
"PLEASE DAISY, DON'T KILL TITO!" Claire sobbed.   
"What are you doing in this story woman," the annoyed fairy replied, "and quit huggling my legs, dammit! "OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!"   
"ACK, STOP THAT! YOU'RE GIVING ME COOOOTIES!" Claire let go of Daisy's legs and then looked over his shoulder. "Whatcha writin'?" she asked.   
"My masterpiece," the fairy replied.   
Claire quickly glanced over the story in progress.   
"Hey, you forget about that!" she chimed, noting down at the notebook.  
It's called artistic license," Daisy growled.   
OT HOLE PLOT HOLE! NANNY NANNY BOO BOO! " Claire mewed.   
****BACK TO DA STORY****   
"Oh Harry, you were magnificent," Jill sighed, slipping her blouse back on.   
"Yes ... I'm rather good ... at sewing," Harry replied as put his needle and thread away "I just can't believe it. After facing hordes of zombies without so much as taking a that jerk."   
------------------   
The radio suddenly switched on, some violin playing out it's small speaker. "Huh? RADIO!? Whats going on with that RADIO!?"   
A huge disgusting Moth burst through the window, cutting Jill's blouse open with it's teeth, threatening to kill everyone in the room.   
"Hey, Have you seen a Kilbasa, 13 inches long, a light red colo-"   
'BASTARD! " Jill ripped out her trusty Combat knife and stabbed it to death.   
Harry bent down, examining the teeth, finding small traces of a Kilbasa. Harry's eyes turned red, and the look of death crossed his face.   
"My Kilbasa! This moth had to have come from a Underground secret lab that is testing certain strains of the G- Virus, they must have my Kilbasa! "   
Ripping a giant sized hammer from out of his Jeans tight small pocket, Harry spoke "First, a little stop at Chris' Butcher Shop"   
A cerberus walked into the room through the open door, half it's skull visable and stomach rotting. "Sparky! What are you doing out of your kennel?" Jill yelled.   
"Well, you haven't feed me in 2 months, I've got worms, I'm dying of rabies, I haven't had a drip of water in days.   
I'm blind, I only have one ear, my tail has been chewed on by 7 different rabbits, I've been hit by 3 cars and my teeth are still stuck in the bone that you gave me for Christmas 5 years ago."   
As it finished if s last word, it's jaw fell off and it could no longer speak.   
"Well, you see, the pet shop and the vet and also the supermarket have painted on doors, with fake handles, so I'm a bit pressed for supplies these days." Jill responded, as she bent down to pat the dog's head it fell from it's body and rolled across the bedroom floor.   
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And that's the end of Chapter I. Since I'm really pressed for time now, each part will have three chapter but there will be at least 3-4 parts. 


End file.
